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Land of painfully slow Internet

It is said that if you want to know how people really are, you should give them a computer with a glacially slow internet connection. When it comes to patience, Germans must be second to none. The economic powerhouse of Europe and home of the warp-speed Autobahn also happens to be the land of painfully slow internet.

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As of February 2020, Germany ranks 39th on broadband speed in a global scale, and is painfully below the European average. The situation is even more staggering for mobile data. According to the BNetzA report from 2017, only 1.6% of users were getting the speed promised by their providers, and only 18% reached half the speed contractually agreed upon.

While the world frantically switches to 5G technology, here I am, staring at the screen while this post is finally uploaded. I guess I could brew some tea in the meantime, maybe pay a visit to my family… even pick a new career, get a degree, found a business, retire and move to Singapore. You know, whatever happens first.

The Teensy Legroom

I’ve been in bumper cars that had more legroom than my last transatlantic Failta flight 1. This can be the only reasonable explanation behind the so called cabin comfort:Expat Gone Foreign, tXc, travel comics, airlines, legroom, expat problems

Useless fun fact: this airline started flying commercially in 1929 with the slogan “Speed, Comfort and Safety”. A year later, their slogan changed to “Speed, Comfort and Convenience”. Should we be concerned?

Time Zone Math

If you happen to have friends or relatives living in a different time zone, you are most likely acquainted with the time zone math. Whether you’d like to video conference your family, or arrange a phone call with someone who lives on the other side of the planet, you might be used to the phrase “Your time or mine?”. Either way, it’s time for the time zone math! 2Expat Gone Foreign, tXc, Time Zone Math, Time Difference, GTM, living abroad comics

Alright, the calculation is actually much easier than it looks in that blue vortex of numeric madness. Besides, it’s fun to weird yourself out thinking about time zones. One person is born in LA at 7 pm, and another one in Beijing at 11 am. They’ll have two different birth dates, although the were born at the exact same time. *Mind-blown*

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You are doing that math in your head right now, aren’t you?

The Paperwork Cult

I’m starting to believe that German bureaucrats belong to some sort of cult – the paperwork cult. Its members hide in plain sight, spend hours in their filing fortresses, feed on officially approved certificates and have mental Bescheinigasms 2 every time they use their seal to stamp a document. 

Truth be told, dealing with paperwork in Germany seems pretty straight-forward, at least compared to other countries. However, the system has a catch: the daunting amount of documents, forms and certificates necessary to accomplish any task, which makes any bureaucratic procedure a highly intimidating and time-consuming experience. At times I even think that the system is so convoluted so that you give up halfway through the process. Oh, and don’t get me started on the Amtsprache 2.

I wonder if Germans have ever thought about simplifying their system. If they were to, it would go like this:

Expat Gone Foreign, tXc, Paperwork cult, paperworkmania, German bureaucracy, Bürokratie

 

If you liked this strip, check out The Anatomy of a Beamter to unravel the secrets behind the insatiable bureaucratic monster.